A Bad Idea

thump thump

they fall softly onto the pillowcase

as i think of you

your warmth, comfort, and arms

your smile, laugh, and face

on the other side of the phone

yet a plane away

and now

even further

a bad idea

i can’t make all your struggles mine

but I don’t know any less

i can’t help you like this

and i tell myself i shouldn’t

but i don’t know

maybe it’s important

a part of care and connection

maybe it’s innescapable

and then my face contorts

in a gross charachure

to match my heart

as i remember mornings, nights, hours, days,

weeks, months, years

of wonder and love

knowing i don’t have that now

won’t for weeks

and false fear i won’t have that again

i just want you to be ok
be mine, happy joyful and satisfied
but you’re not
haven’t been
maybe won’t
and i’m not sure i can wait.

i can’t help

not really

i never figured out how

never really understood

and felt it hurt you a little more every time

i told you instead of listened

or couldn’t feel the same

for me

it becomes too much

especially like this

a plane away

and still

a bad idea